Resumes

 

 


The following quotations were taken from resumes
from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into
writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip
through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the
wrong impression on exactly the wrong people.


"I am very detail-oreinted."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can
make great lattes."

"I can play well with others."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice
president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led normadic lifestyle."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning
to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal
income taxes and tax laws."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are
usually inseparable."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24
hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
expertise."

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly
mortgage company."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are
inappropriate for business."

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing
Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result
in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory;
effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground
up using my father-in-law."