Quotable Quotes




I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him
in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would
probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it. --Bob Hope
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then
I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor
well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your
friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells
us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States,
unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter
bullet. --Dave Barry
This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper
submitted by a physicist colleague
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and
the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than
money. --Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
--Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD
for you. --Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
--Norm Crosby
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends
thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit
going to those places. --Henny Youngman
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can
be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in
which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin. --H.L. Mencken
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble.
It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward