Some Puns

 

 


An Indian Success Story
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by
the discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the
yuppie temptation, and he was particularly proud and
pleased when his two boys were accepted into the swanky
yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
ambition was to see ... his red sons in the sail set.
(By Bennett Cerf)

The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess
liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship
telling him, ...Beggars can't be cruisers.

The General's Funeral
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington
National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no
other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a
helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the
incident with the headlines, ... "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"

The Tilde
As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde:. Walt
Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until
his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's
potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.

Indecision
The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or
Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling
to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This
indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation
and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... You can't have your
Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

New Coin
A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent
piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one
side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan
Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the
official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply
call "Teds, or Hales!"

Moonlighting
Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn
was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine
slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine
stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can
have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon."

The Wedding Gift
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his
offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their
favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words.... "hiss and
hearse"

The Coal Miner
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that
his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."