The Memos

 

 


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and
sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of the party...the days are so short this time
of year...or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
will get the table closest to the restrooms.

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay???

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death",
as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings,

too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream,
I'm hearing them scream right now...!


FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!