Take all American women who are within five
years of menopause - train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna -drop
us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let
do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone,
even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children, we would gladly
suffer or die to protect them and
their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't
left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding
man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein
diet, the carbohydrate diet,
the cabbage soup diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across
America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the
hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands
or lovers in bars, hardware
stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan
in a new government? Oh,
please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands
to know every trick there is
for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.
We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or
without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates
women. Imagine their terror as we
crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going
to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!