President's "Adopt a Detainee" program

 

 


Dear Mr/Ms Liberal:

Thank you for your recent whiney letter criticizing the treatment of the
Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be
pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one
detainee under your exclusive care.

Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence
on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be
necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will conduct weekly
inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being
cared for in the manner you personally prescribed and so we can monitor
your program's success.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus
that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was
negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't
completely remedied. Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we
do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem"
with your promised counseling and home schooling and loving care.

He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish
human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We suggest
that you not ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next
neighborhood gathering. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal
bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those
items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your rehabitation
program and perhaps disrupt your maid's daily routine.

PLEASE heed the large orange notice ["Does not relate well with others"]
attached to your detainee's cage which states our understanding of his
belief and training. Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change
of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously.
Therefore, your water bill most likely will not be an additional expense. Be
assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, and is especially
fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted.

You take good care of our detainee now.

George W.